Growing the future: ways forward, together

Our whole society is ingrained with the ugly capitalist values of competition and getting ahead at the expense of others, and while I strongly suspect that no one individual can be completely blamed for their role in perpetuating abuse, I believe that we must ALL be held accountable and must constantly (re)examine our behaviours in order to stop the intergenerational cycles we are caught up in. That includes bystanders. If we stand by and allow abuse to continue, then we are also part of the problem.

I put up with (co)abusive relationships for years and it was very hard to recognise this. After nearly 20 years I left one relationship, blaming my ex for everything that had gone wrong in our relationship. Eventually, though, I came to see a subtler picture. In fact, while I arguably had less power in the situation (being a woman, without financial independence and with a soft voice), we were both participating in controlling and abusive behaviours. We both acted in ways that unnecessarily constrained each other’s freedom, we both communicated poorly, at times resorting to emotional manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour. I now believe that many of our problems stemmed from undiagnosed autism — on both sides and in all of our children. Added to this was the complicating factor of complex post-traumatic stress disorder in my ex, which stemmed from his upbringing.

After that formative, very long relationship broke down, I went on to engage in similar behaviour patterns with subsequent partners. My emotional disregulation has continued to harm others.

Because of my particular experiences and trauma, I can be slow to identify and accept unidirectional blame in cases of domestic violence that are more straightforward — where one party is more clearly the victim. I acknowledge with some regret that, recently, this led me to be less than supportive to a loved one suffering from domestic violence in a queer, share-house context.

We owe it to ourselves, to our children and to society at large to work at uncovering our traumas and implicit biases, so that they do not lead our behaviour in unhealthy directions.